Severus Snape and the Fruitcake Strikes Again!
by Baka Kitsune
Summary: IT'S HERE!! FINALLY!!! *takes off caps lock* Yes, the fourth and final fruitcake ficcy has come! But..wait? What are you reading this SUMMARY for?! Quick!! Go Read it!!


Severus Snape and the Fruitcake Strikes Again!  
  
Severus Snape sat at his desk, shuffling through a mass growth of paper. "Argh!! WHY did I have to spill that DAMNED multiplication potion ontop of my paperwork?!" he screamed. He finally sighed and reached into the very center of the papers and pulled something out. His eyes lit up happily -- "I FOUND YOU!" he squealed, as happily as a schoolgirl on a friday afternoon. He hugged the paper tightly and smiled like a moron.  
  
At that very moment, Minerva McGonagall walked into the office. She blinked and cocked an eyebrow at Snape. "Severus? What did I specifically tell you NOT to do with the things in Trelawney's classroom?" she asked.  
"Oh Minerva, please! I'm not "hepped-up" on anything...It's just I'm so utterly happy-riffic!" he exclaimed. McGonagall blinked and walked up to Snape, putting her hands on his shoulders. She took a breath, and asked,  
"Where did you hide Severus' body? You can tell me -- don't worry."  
"Minerva! I'm still me! I'm not dead..Like I'm certain you wish," began Snape, "It's just, well, it was my turn to write the staff play this year..and..I found my script! I can take it to Albus now, and if he likes it, we'll be presenting it!" he grinned. McGonagall let go of Snape's shoulders and wiped her hands on her robe.  
"Yuck...I touched a Snape.." she muttered, and then snatched the script, to read the title.  
  
"The Politically Correct Version of.. West Side.. Story?" she asked, eyebrow raised, looking at Snape. Snape grinned and nodded,   
"Yes! Go ahead! Read it!" he stated. McGonagall just stared at him for a moment and then set the script down,  
"Severus..I'm not usually the one to say thing as stupid...but this is the second stupidest thing since that damned fruitcake." and with that, she left.  
  
Snape jumped to his feet, "YOU CAN INSULT MY PLAY -- BUT LEAVE THE FRUITCAKE OUT OF THIS!!" he shouted after her. The only response he got, was the door slamming. Brushing his greasy hair back with a hand, Snape sat down again, to read over his script. "I don't think it's that bad...It's amusing..in an awkward, 'we're running out of plot' sort of way..." he muttered.  
  
The sound of his door opening again alerted him, he looked up and spoke before thinking -- "Aha! Come to apologize have you Min...." he stopped. He stared infront of him and he began to grin wider than a child who's just found where the Cadbury Bunny stores all of the unused chocolate. "Oh...my...god." he stated, still giving the same child-finding-horde-of-chocolate grin.   
  
Leaping over his desk and to the door, he squeeled and clapped his hand together -- scooping into his arms the one thing that brought him so much joy, so much happiness -- so many late night head-bashings.  
  
The Fruitcake.  
  
"Oh my beloved!! You've returned to me!!" he cried. "May we be together forever!! For all of eternity! For all of--" he stopped, there was something attached to his beloved fruitcake! A pin of sorts. "Oh my goddess!! My dearest fruitcake! Here! Let me pull this pin and odd piece of crumpled parchment from you!!" he cried, pulling the pin off. "Wait a moment...CRUMPLED PARCHMENT?! A NOTE!" he shrieked, he was happy someone cared! A note! For him! Oh happy day!  
  
Quickly uncrumpling the note, he cleared his throat and read the note aloud, "To whom it may concern; Albus Dumbledore is going to rob Gringrotts bank. Send help." he said, "Well, that's a funny love note for me.." he said, staring at the fruitcake for a moment, before FINALLY getting the picture. "Ah!! Dumbeldore is going to rob the goblins! Ahh! No!! If he gets caught, who will pack my lunch?!" he wailed.  
  
All of Snape's wailing caused McGonagall to return to his room. "Severus! What are you wailing about?! This better be good, or I'm going to turn you into a McDounut!!" she yelled.   
"Minerva! Thank god!! You'll pack my lunch for me once Albus gets arrested, won't you?"  
"Severus? How many of the special brownies did you eat?" she asked, then, noticing the fruitcake. "Aww!! It came back!! Our fruitful friend with cheese and nuts!"  
"Minerva, our fruitcake friend brought me this note..here! Read it!" he said, giving her the note. McGonagall quickly read the note and her eyes widened.  
"Severus! Come on!! We must go alert the authorities!!" she cried, grabbing hold of Snape's wrist and dragging him off until they were off school property, and could apparate elsewhere.  
  
  
  
Dumbledore snuck around Gringrotts bank, a pair of panyhose over his head as he hummed the Mission Impossible theme. The Gringrotts goblin staff looked at the headmaster with awkward looks -- the kind of look you give a crazy man who's just gotten onto and intercom and stated that they enjoy custard with nuts and cheetos. One of the goblins approached Dumbledore, "Sir? Can we help you?"  
"No!" he cried, "I'm a shadow...nothing more than a shadow...oooo..." he said, shaking his hands and fingers in a bizzare fashion. The goblin just backed away.  
  
McGonagall and Severus -- who was holding onto the dear fruitcake -- burst into the bank. "Albus!" cried McGonagall, about to ask what he was doing, when he suddenly cried,  
"NO! You've got me!!" he cried, "I'm not going without a fight!!" he screamed, ripping off the panyhose on his head, and grabbing hold of the neckline of his robe with one hand and smacking himself in the face with the other. "You bastard!! Ah!! You made me cuss!! I'll kill you!!"  
  
Snape, McGonagall, the goblins and even the fruitcake just stared. It was McGonagall who then approached Dumbledore, "Come now Albus...We're going to take you somewhere safe...where you can be away from all these mean people.." she said, soothingly,   
"Disneyland?" asked Dumbledore, grinning.  
"Erm..yes...Disneyland." she said as one of the goblins came over to lead Dumbeldore out, before he started recreating scenes from Fight Club.  
"I can't believe you got me!" he cried, as the goblin tried to force him out the door, "I'll get you one day, you meddling kids! And your FRUITCAKE! You've not seen the last of me!!" and with that, he was pushed out the door.  
  
"Well Severus, we really owe it to that fruitcake.." said McGonagall. Snape nodded.  
"Mmhmm!" he agreed, "Oh you're just such a marvelous, wonderful fruitcake!" he cried, giving the fruitake a big kiss. "Ooo...Nutty..." he said. The fruitcake began to jiggle and wriggle as if it had suddenly became jello. McGonagall, Snape and all the goblins just stared at the shaking fruitcake...  
  
*POP*  
  
The fruitcake had suddenly transformed...into a short little wizard known as Professor Flitwick. "FLITWICK?!?!" cried McGonagall and Severus.  
"Yes! That's Riiight!" he cried, striking a pose while sitting in Snape's arms. "It is I! Professor Flitwick! My newest charm works! I can now turn myself into a fruitcake with but a smiple tap of my wand!"  
"EWWW!!" screamed Snape, dropping Flitwick. He started spitting on the ground and wiping off his robes, " I KISSED YOU!! AND TOUCHED YOU!!" he cried. Flitwick smiled fondly at Snape,  
"I also sat on your face."  
"AHHHH!! EWWWW!!!" Snape continued to cry, until McGonagall threw a bucket of water she had conjoured up at the poor Sytherin housemaster.  
"And Severus, since you proved your love to me so often, I have decided that I shall become your bride! We'll be together forever, honey sweet cakes!" said Flitwick, smiling and batting his eyes at Snape.  
  
Snape was silent for a long time...and then, he ran out of the bank, screaming. McGonagall, Flitwick and all of the goblins began to laugh hysterically. "Oh! Good one Flitwick!!" McGonagall laughed, holding her sides. The little wizard chuckled and went back and forth on his heels.   
"Oh, no worries Minerva. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine in a few weeks.."  
Snape doesn't stay up late in his office anymore. Some say, he turns in early, keeping "fruitcake repellant" around him at all times...others say he's up in Professor Dumbledore's office...Eating custard with nuts and cheetos.  
~THE END~  
  
Author's Note:  
  
^_^ What were you expecting? Lord of the Rings?!  
  
Yes, this is possibly the WORST in the Fruitcake series. But, like I said, all things must come to an end...I'm tired of death threats. All has been answered! Fear the fruitcake that is truly Flitwick! Love him....love heeeem!!!  
Trelawney: She's nuts.  
Snape: Look who's talking... 


End file.
